Gotei 13th Mental Health Clinic
by Nadine25
Summary: "Hey I am: Yamamoto Genryūsai Shigekuni and I think that; all my underlings are mentally unstable. So I'm sending them all to therapy."And you will be offered a rare glimpse into the psychiatrists notes, as she takes on the most infamous Shinigami ever.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok so, I don't plan on making this a one shot. I actually want to update it with rants. Many, Many rants, as each captain and lieutenant goes to talk to the psychiatrist. I may or may not make the psychiatrist into a character, as I was thinking more along the lines of making it a bunch of one sided stories that; the characters tell. As in: just their general opinions on other characters and on life. **

**But it all depends on you; if you like this, please Review and tell me to continue. Also tell me who you wanna see, step into the Psychiatrist's office. **

**Gotei 13****th**** Mental Health Clinic**

Two rows of the most powerful Shinigami to ever grace the Seireitei with their existence; aligned in front of their commander. Both captains and lieutenants were called to this emergency meeting. They were informed that; So-taicho has a matter of the utmost importance, to discuss with them. And this is why they were here. The Shinigami didn't really fret it that much. After all So-taicho was the same man who threw a fit when, some of his captains lost their captain's Haori's in battle. It didn't really matter to him that they lost it in lieu of the very minor fact that; they were battling Aizen.

And ever since that battle; So-Taicho has been a tad bit grumpy. He has been complaining about almost everything. *You'd think he was PMSing or something.* the one and only Kenpachi Zaraki pondered with a crude smile etched on his face.

*Maybe he's gonna complain yet again about today's youth.* Soifon Taicho thought bitterly. She couldn't really forget about their last gathering when, Sotaicho called an urgent meeting. And after dropping everything and rushing to him, they were greeted by none other than a very long winded lecture on how to behave towards your elders, and why it is rude to call them 'Yamajii'.

The old man then proceeded to rant on and on about how today's youth lacked manners. Only problem is; the only person who ever calls him 'Yamajii' is kyouraku Shunsui, one of the oldest captains of the Gotei 13th. *where the hell does he get off; calling that pervert young.* the squad two captain pondered regarding the lecherous drunkard with a venomous glare.

Shunsui would have blanched, had he seen that look. However, he was way too busy going through the magnanimous amount of meetings, they have been called to this month. Personally, he didn't see the big problem that most captains appeared to be having with the meetings. This was nothing new to him, as he was used to be constantly reprimanded by his lovely Nanao. *So what if So-taicho Rants a little?* he thought.* At least it's not all business, like it used to be.*

In fact; the pink clad captain found those meetings to be fairly interesting. Especially the emergency meeting that So-taicho called for, in the middle of the night, only to discuss; "How harmful it is for people to use 'Gravity Defying' hair products, like the one Hitsugaya used. Not to mention, how ridiculous people look with their hair all pinned up like that."

Needless to say the white haired captain was by no means amused. *That's something, coming from the man with a 10 foot long beard, tied with a hair scrunshie.* Hitsugaya mumbled *Now that's ridiculous.*

Accordingly, when the Gotei 13th's higher ups were called to this meeting, they were expecting yet another fit over a trivial matter. They all stood gazing around the room at nothing in particular. Yamamoto, on the other hand, wasn't amused. He stood in front of them and tapped his cane/ Zanpakuto on the floor, to get their attention. When he was sure they were all looking his way; he spoke up.

"You need help." He declared in his raspy no-none-sense voice, causing many eyes to go wide. And for a few seconds everything seemed to be frozen in silence.

"Excuse me?" Kuchiki Byakuya was the first to recover.

"You all need help." _Yamamoto_ told the impassive captain. "And that's why I'm putting you through therapy."

Yet again his words were greeted by wide eyes and *WTF?* expressions. After a long period of Silence, someone finally mustered enough courage to speak up.

"but Yamajii…" kyouraku began, but his comment was met with a livid glare.

"DO NOT Call me that. That's exactly, what I mean. You're all irrational youngsters, with a lot to learn about life. You need to sort a lot of things out first. A lot of internal struggles; this is why I have booked a psychiatrist for you and she will be starting, effective tomorrow."

"But…" Mayuri started but was cut off by the outraged man.

"I expect you to cooperate fully with her." he paused "Or else." He threatened, brandishing his cane.

"But…" Both Ukitake and Unohana, attempted to speak, but their attempts were once again terminated.

"You may leave."

_Blank stares. _

"NOW."

**I hope you liked it. Please Review and tell me; what you think, and whether or not I should continue. **


	2. Chapter 2

**First of all, many thanks go out to; those who reviewed last chapter. This one is especially dedicated to each and every one of you. **

**Well, this is not supposed to be a serious story. Accordingly, and in the love of everything humorous, somethings are blatantly overrated. I try to keep my characters true to themselves, but I will do anything, and I mean anything, for some good humor. **

**So expect some OOCness and please excuse it.**

**I hope you like it. **

**Oh, and keep in mind that: ****whatever is underlined; is the therapist's speech.**__

General notes:

Acting on a personal request from the supreme commander of the Gotei 13th, a unit of 5 psychiatrists, has taken residence in the Seireitei. We have been dubbed "Gotei 13th Mental Health Clinic". Our main task is; to directly address some issues that the So-Taicho seems to be facing with his subordinates. We opted to work gradually, from the most severe cases to the lesser ones. However, after closer inspection of the ongoing situation, we have come to the conclusion that; there are no lesser cases. Accordingly, we will be proceeding randomly.

First session:

We move to address the case of; the ongoing feud between squad six captain; Kuchiki Byakuya and Squad eleven captain; Zaraki Kenpachi.

The commander's words on describing the situation between the two were, ad verbatim:

"_They are insane. None of them could stand the other for two seconds. After the winter war, it was my humble hope to celebrate our victory with a little get together for the captains and the lieutenants, as well as the highest seated officers and the Ryoka. However, with those two there, it ended in a squabble. Even though; in the beginning, Byakuya was composed enough to avoid engaging in physical combat, his and Zaraki's infuriated Reiatsu's were enough to suffocate the entire room. That incredibly shy girl, O- I don't know, I keep forgetting her name. Well, anyway, she passed out. And after a few intense moments of them staring each other down, the entire room turned pink, as flower petals enveloped the place. On the other hand Zaraki's exponentially increasing Reiatsu caused everyone to run for their lives. I had to break out my __Ryūjin Jakka,__ to tear them apart from one another. They ruined the celebration for everyone. Well, almost everyone, since_ _Shunsui was too drunk that; he thought the flower petals were for a parade honoring him. It was almost worth my while, seeing him jump at the petals, before getting scratched and whining about it for a while, before trying it again; only to receive another injury. Serves him right for calling me…. Ah, I apologize; just fix Zaraki and Kuchiki before I end up killing them."_

Session notes:

"Why the hell did you bring me here?" Came Kenpachi Zaraki's rugged voice. "And why the f*** is he here?"

"well…." I started but was cut off by the other participant in the session.

"I find myself most inconvenienced to have to agree with _him._ However, summoning us both here at the same time is unforgivable." Byakuya Kuchiki agreed in an icy monotone.

"I…." I attempted to speak once more, however….

"What do you mean by that? Lighten up princess or you'll end up breaking a nail."

Byakuya eyed him impassively. "You should refrain from addressing me so companionably. You are only allowed to sit in close proximity with me, for reasons of this session; however, I assure you that; this does not mean that you are a worthy counterpart."

"What the hell did you just say?"

The Squad six captain, looked rather impassive. However, even though I was incapable of deciphering the meaning of his impassive glare, I could tell that; he was seriously considering rolling his eyes at his fellow captain's lack of cognitive abilities.

"And what the hell are you looking at?" The bigger man declared, his words directed at me. This was my cue to step in and start the therapy session. This is where the healing begins and they will…..

"I'm talking to you woman." He hissed in a husky tone.

"Yes I was about to…" 

"Refrain from hassling her." The raven haired captain ordered the disgruntled one. "And you." He said addressing me. "Why did you call us here?"

"A…."

"She's probably one of your fangirls Kuchiki-Hime."

"Zaraki Kenpachi your words will not go unpunished."

"Yah, Yah spare me. What are you gonna do 'bout it hah? Call on your flower collection and decorate the living Sh** outta me." He finished laughing raucously. The other man twitched.

"Just man up and admit it princess."

"Zaraki….."

"All the signs are there."

"Kenpachi…."

"Your ultimate weapon is a flower bouquet. F***en Pink flowers. How much more obvious does it get princess."

"And yours is a nameless stick." The other man responded in a venomous tone.

"So?"

"In itself, I must admit that there is nothing wrong with your Zanpakuto. However, it's the connotations that align themselves with it, that raise an issue."

"Hah?"

"Allow me to break it down to a level that _you _can understand." The Kuchiki heir declared condescendingly.

"Enlighten me."

"Well, you carry a huge stick. You really don't need to have such an oversized weapon. Actually, it would come as such a disadvantage in battle. Accordingly, I'm inclined to believe that the gigantic length of your Zanpakuto is nothing but; an attempt to cover up for your lack of said attribute in other areas."

For a second Zaraki stared at the man before him. I thought he wasn't going to react; however, it soon became obvious that he was already reacting. The incredible weight that was now pressing against my chest assured me that; the man has in fact understood what the other captain implied and was consumed by anger to such a degree that; his Reiatsu came seeping through.

I wonder if I should have run.

"YOU ***************************************************************" he declared as he charged at the other man.

The increase in the levels of spiritual pressure was too much for me to tolerate.

The last thing I heard was:

_"Chire_, _Senbonzakura"_

_I wonder if the costs of reconstructing the office will come out of my salary. _

_"OH, pink petals."__ I declared one second before fainting. __"OUCH, NOT FLOWERS."_

_**Please let me know what you think, I need to know whether to keep going or not. And if you have anyone in mind, that you'd like to visit our poor therapist, let me know.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**First of all thank you guys so much for reading and reviewing. **

**I meant to finish the Byakuya and Zaraki case right then and there. But, I actually decided that; it might be fun to toy with them a little more. So this chapter and the next will be a continuation of said case. **

**Also So far, this is the Mental Health Institution's patients' chart:**

**Soifon: Cat Fetish**

**Hitsugaya: Anger management**

**Ayasegawa Yumichika: extreme Narcissistic personality disorder**

**Yoruichi Shihouin: Exhibitionism**

**Please Review …. **

"Your behavior was unforgivable." Came an ancient growl. The So-Taicho of the Gotei 13th was livid. He actually got a little hopeful, thinking that the shrink might solve his problems. But to have her very first meeting turned into a full out fight between two captains, which subsequently caused her office to be destroyed and her to be injured, this was just too much. "What do you have to say for yourselves?" he fumed.

The two dignified captains standing in the middle of the room felt the weight of the amused glances of their fellow captains, on them. Zaraki shrugged, "It was all Kuchiki-hime's fault." He said simply.

"I would like it noted; that he is still alive, despite his severe disrespect for my person." Came a level monotonous reply.

The oldest and most powerful man in Seireitei was no fool. He knew that if he tried to talk it out with them, he'd get nowhere. Those two took circular reasoning to a whole new level.

_You disrespect him, why?_

_Because; he started it._

_Why did you start it?_

_Because; he disrespected me._

That was it with the two. Yamamoto twitched slightly, before his eyes travelled to the stick like contraption in his hand (Which is his disguised Zanpakuto).

"Maybe I have been too lenient with the two of you." He said, as he moved to release the fiery weapon and show them; true power.

"So-Taicho please wait." Came a weak female voice from behind him. The forgotten female was standing there, supported by the old man's own lieutenant. She was bruised and battered and she was eyeing the whole scene warily, for fear of another Zanpakuto release incident, which she theorized; is bound to bring about her untimely demise.

The moment she spoke; the attention of the entire room shifted towards her. Psychiatrist or not, the woman really hated being the center of attention, especially when said attention was that of the most powerful people in the universe.

"Yes, Rose-San?" So-Taicho questioned patiently. Well, as patiently as he could, given that the woman just stopped him from disciplining two of his biggest troublemakers.

She gulped, "Ah- I don't think violence is the answer, sir." She said, as confidently as she could. At that Zaraki and Soifon both snickered sarcastically, but were stopped dead in their tracks after receiving the full weight of the old man's glare.

"Please elaborate?" the man egged her on.

"Yes, of course." She paused, drawing in a deep breath. "What I mean is that; it is my duty to assist you in solving the problems using psychiatric tools." She said simply, before motioning for the lieutenant supporting her. The moment he saw that, he let her go and moved to get out of the room.

The entire room watched, as he returned with a rectangular box in his hand.

"What's with the fancy box?" Zaraki questioned. "Got me a present?"

"Well, I guess you could regard it as a present." The woman sang. "Nature's present."

The entire room stared at the woman with a deadly mixture of confusion and curiosity. The captain of squad eight even took a few steps out of his place in line to get a better view, as the woman unwrapped the box. "Shunsui." Was all the old man had to say to get him to swiftly move back to his place, with a frazzled expression on his face.

More unwrapping.

And the entire room seemed to be edging forwards to get a look at the contents of the box.

"Normally, this is reserved for younger people and it's normally used for other purposes. However, this time I think it's for the best to use it with captain Kuchiki and captain Zaraki." The woman said absently, as she started taking the lid off the box. "It is the best tool for teaching couples to work together." She said happily causing the entire room to blink in confusion.

And just before Byakuya attempted to passive aggressively threaten the woman never to use such a word in reference to him and Zaraki again; the woman reached into the box and grabbed something. She held that thing up high, which caused silence to fall on the entire room.

Not that they never saw such a thing before. They have, I mean they know what it is, but they never expected to see it in their meeting room. And they couldn't even begin to imagine what the most violent man and the most stoic man in Seireitei could possibly do with such a thing.

"W-whats?" the youngest captain questioned.

"It's a baby." She chirped. "Well, it's a doll, but it's a little baby doll." She twitted.

"You're…. You're …. Why?" Soifon questioned, eyeing the thing with augmenting dread. It seemed as if, one wrong move on the doll's part and Soifon would call for her Zanpakuto and bee-stab it into oblivion.

"It's ok Soifon Taicho." Rose placated, the seemingly distraught woman. "It's not for you."

"What the hell?" Zaraki growled, causing a few people around the room to snicker.

"I believe that; what he means to say is: you are insane." Byakuya offered.

"Yes, you are insane." Zaraki concurred. "But also: WHAT THE HELL?"

"I think I could explain that." Unohana pitched. "The baby is used to teach couples about the trials of being a parent. The young couple would take to caring for the doll, which perfectly simulates the actions of a real child. However, I do not understand why you would use it on Zaraki Taicho and Kuchiki Taicho."

"Oh, that's simple." The psychiatrist started. "Parenting always brings people together. It always helps them see and understand the real personality of the other person. This is exactly what captains Byakuya and Zaraki need: understanding."

"WHAT THE HELL?" Zaraki growled.

"The two of you will be required to care for this child for the next couple of days. It is equipped with many monitors that would insure that your every move is recorded."

"WHAT THE…."

"The baby will alert you whenever it needs something and you two are to schedule yourselves to cater to its needs."

"HELL?"

"Any questions?"

"Just one…." Pause. "WHAT THE HELL?"

"Zaraki taicho please try to….."

"There is no way I will be doing such an undignified thing with such an uncivilized person." Byakuya intoned. "And that's final."

"And I already have a little hellion. I don't need a new one." Zaraki added. "HELL NO."

"They'll do it." Yamamoto stated with finality.

"But….." came their collective reply.

"No buts." He said, turning away.

"Ah, that's great." Rose sang. "You could be like its grandfather or something." She commended to the retreating man.

So-Taicho stopped dead in his tracks. "Hell no." he said before he disappeared.

Rose blinked for a second, before she registered that with the old man gone, she was alone with two very angry men and a room filled with bemused people eager to watch her get torn into smithereens.

She smiled nervously. "I should tell you that; I'll be monitoring you through the many cameras, that the twelfth division has installed in Seireitei." She said as she turned to run after the So-Taicho, her injuries long since forgotten.

"WHY YOU LITTLE….

"Chire Senbonzakura…..

"So-Taichooooo, wait for me…..

_**To be continued**__…._


	4. Chapter 4

Yumichika fought back an uncharacteristically sadistic smile. It seemed as if the man's energy and obtrusive presence inspired violence and even sadism in everyone around him. And the naturally gorgeous fifth seat was no exception. Yumi shook his head pondering this thought; as he witnessed his captain embark on one of his patented destruction rampages.

The narcissistic beauty couldn't help but admit that his captain's violence had an inherently aesthetic beauty to it, a controlled chaos sort of thing that was in itself; really enthralling. Of course Yumichika would never admit to that and he'd forever let a scowl adorn his flawless features every time he looks upon such a scene.

The fifth seat almost flinched as he watched his captain effortlessly throw his best friend into the air. Ikkaku landed a few steps in front of Yumi. However, the pretty fifth seat completely ignored the man, as he stepped over him, making his way towards the enraged Taicho who was currently lashing out on anyone and anything that had the misfortune of crossing his path.

Yumichika involuntarily gulped as he marveled at what he was about to do. *My, My, as if he isn't angry enough as it is* Yumi pondered as he watched Yachiro cheering her beloved Kenny on, while the man uprooted a tree with extreme ease. The squad eleven captain then effortlessly flung the tree across the clearing at a few unfortunate seated officers, who happened to think that keeping their distance from the enraged man would keep them out of harm's way. Zaraki then emitted a raucous battle cry that radiated of barbaric mirth.

The smaller man came to a stop behind his hulking captain, who was gloatingly surveying his handy work.

"Good morning Taicho." Yumi almost sang.

Zaraki turned sharply, excited at the prospect of a new victim: a new, prissy, well dressed, perfectly groomed, completely poised, thoroughly feathered, utterly infuriating, victim.

"Ayasegawa." His captain greeted/threatened huskily. However, the self proclaimed "Most beautiful man in Seireitei" was unmoved. He beamed up at his captain, steeling himself for what he was about to say.

"What." Kenpachi growled, the bells in his hair chiming threateningly.

Yumi beamed at the taller man, before tilting his head to the side slightly and twitting, "my Taicho," he cooed and Zaraki had to physically restrain himself from wincing at the happy tone. "Renji dropped by and said that Kuchiki Taicho wanted you to have this." He stated in his happiest voice ever.

Almost immediately Zaraki's reiatsu flared as he regarded the deceptively innocent baby like doll that was still cradled in Yumi's arms.

"The hell? That noble idiot was supposed to keep it for the day." Zaraki hissed.

"Well, Renji said that his captain deemed it unworthy of his company." Yumi replied, trying his best not to snicker as he could easily imagine the Kuchiki heir uttering those words in all seriousness.

The visual image, however, wasn't very amusing to his captain who growled his disapproval for everyone to hear.

**A Couple of Hours Later:**

A few Shinigami fought valiantly to refrain from laughing as the manliest man in Seireitei breathed by them like a livid storm. He was carrying a small child, much much smaller than the one who normally clung to his back. The fragile little innocent baby came as somewhat of a hilarious contrast to the hulking form of the forever angry captain. The man was clearly on his way to the squad six barracks and from the feel of his reiatsu; he had destruction on his mind.

Renji abruptly got up to try and reason with the battle crazed captain. However, an angry glower was all it took to freeze him in place. The red head absently wondered at which man he feared more, this blood thirsty mad man, or his ice prince of a captain. He then figured that he was about to figure out just which of the two is more dangerous as Zaraki casually flung Kuchiki Taicho's door open and stepped inside.

The valiant captain closed the door behind him before turning to his nemesis. But before he could say a word he was flooded with an unmatched sense of irritation, the likes of which he only experienced in the presence of the stone cold man sitting so calmly in front of him. The Kuchiki heir barely looked up from his paper work at Zaraki's less than subtle entrance.

His face was as emotionless as ever, but his dark grey orbs held a less than subtle hint of disdain. This time Zaraki actually winced with fury, as he regarded the, *constipated looking, long haired, feminine, stick up his butt, noble brat.*

Yes, it was that bad. The two men usually managed to bring out the worst in each other without even saying a word. Byakuya's gaze made it clear to Zaraki that he saw him as nothing more than a mindless brash brute, all brawn and no brain kind of man. While Zaraki's gaze made it fairly clear that he would like nothing better than to use the nobleman for a punching bag.

"Yes." Byakuya said in his trademark bored tone, the calmness of which made Zaraki quite aware of just how infuriating he found this man.

"I just came by to see if you need any help pulling that mighty long stick out of your butt Kuchiki." Zaraki shot.

"Pardon." Byakuya said absently, returning his gaze back to his paper work.

And before he could actively ignore the man and continue reading the sentence he just started, a small baby was thrust forwards in front of him. Byakuya looked up impassively at the man who was now standing right above him.

"We agreed that it's yours for the day." Zaraki snarled. "The hell do you get off sending it over to me."

And to his utter amusement, Byakuya's eyes actually showed some emotion for a change. For a second Zaraki couldn't place it; but he soon discovered that his sworn enemy was in fact confused. Byakuya seemed to be struggling with something for a few seconds, before he inhaled deeply and inclined himself back in his chair, his hands folded neatly in his lap, his eyes shot up to meet Zaraki's evenly, as if he has finally decided on how to word a particularly agonizing sentence.

"It emits a sound." Byakuya said calmly, but his tone was rather strained.

Zaraki couldn't help but stare unblinkingly back at the raven haired, seemingly tortured man.

"So?"

"It was a sharp and continuous noise." Byakuya said simply, as if that explained everything.

"And?"

If he was a lesser man Byakuya would've actually rolled his eyes, however, he steeled himself and pushed on.

"It emitted an undignified loud noise."

"That's what children do, you dipshit" Zaraki said, sounding every bit as exasperated as he felt. *Just how clueless could that man be.*

"Kuchiki-s do not emit such noise." Byakuya said rather haughtily. "Nothing that behaves thusly should be allowed in my presence." The Kuchiki heir said with finality, his eyes scanning quickly over the offending doll. "Unacceptable." He added disgustedly.

For once Zaraki was actually speechless. He really wanted to bash the man's head in, or to mess his beautifully groomed hair up, or just do anything that would equate to knocking his royal highness off of his metaphoric high horse.

"Kuchiki-hime," he started crossly. "Are you actually saying that you can't handle a small child?" Zaraki concluded.

"I said…."

"Ya ya, I'm not buying this bullshit. You sent it over because you couldn't handle it." Zaraki said victoriously. And once again he was astounded by Byakuya's reaction. The man stared back for a second seemingly unable to respond. However, the silence didn't last long as Zaraki broke out in an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

Byakuya twitched. "I assure you that I am fully capable of handling….."

"No, you can't." Zaraki managed to say, before continuing on with his laughing fit, which Byakuya now deemed as more infuriating than the baby's insufferable cries. "Just admit it. I'm better than you."

Byakuya's eyes narrowed minutely, "your allegations are false Zaraki; there is nothing that you can do better than I can."

"This small doll begs to differ." Zaraki said, his voice now a sardonic tenor.

"I can make it stop anytime…."

"I'm a better father than you are." Zaraki teased.

Byakuya twitched once again, "You are not this doll's father." He said monotonously. "In fact I assure you that; I would make a much better father than yourself."

Zaraki actually scowled at the challenge, "Oh, is that so?"

"That is so." Came a monotone.

"Well then…" Zaraki said taking the doll off the desk and smacking it across the back causing it to scream bloody murder. The two men instantaneously winced at the ensuing sound; however, they steeled themselves and looked each other square in the eye, a silent challenge passing between them.

Zaraki went first; his hands cradling the child in what could only be described as a death choke. He started roughly rocking it back and forth. Byakuya watched the sight in front of him, and it was only by virtue of years upon years of keeping his stoic façade that he didn't break into a fit of laughter at the comic sight of the hulking man desperately trying to rock the child into its own untimely death.

In fact Zaraki couldn't help but notice the corner of Byakuya's mouth twitch slightly. "Waaah, you think you can do better Kuchiki-hime." He said irately, "Well have at it." He said crossly, literally throwing the baby at the Kuchiki heir.

Byakuya took the challenge and encircled the child in his arms. He almost winced as a loud scream escaped the child's throat. The fact that said child was currently in his arms managed to somehow exacerbate the already insufferable screech. If it wasn't for the fact that Zaraki was gloatingly regarding him as he rocked the child; Byakuya would've flung the thing out of the window. However, he wasn't about to give his nemesis the satisfaction of watching him lose to a small doll. No, *not in his life time.* he was Kuchiki Byakuya damn it and his pride mandated that he never shows any traces of weakness, NEVER.

And that's why Byakuya continued to rock the child. For his part Zaraki was now certain that Byakuya was made entirely of ice. He was moving the child in small measurable inches in both directions. His eyes were frozen on it in a cold glare and his long fingers were firmly and almost excruciatingly pressed to the plastic infant's body. "Oh dear God you really are a robot aren't you?" Zaraki said unable to contain his mirth.

This earned him a glower from the already irate Byakuya. "Here" Byakuaya said flinging the baby at Zaraki.

"Giving up already Kuchiki-hime, you're such a bad mother." Zaraki said teasingly.

Byakuya shot Zaraki a dirty look, before opting to ignore his infuriating words. After all, Zaraki was about to eat said words given that he has just discovered a solid proof way of shutting this insufferable mass of wires up.

Zaraki couldn't help but gulp as Byakuya suddenly took his Haiori off. "What the….." before he could continue the Kuchiki heir proceeded to take the rest of his clothing off and in a second he was standing in nothing but his standard shinigami pants.

"Da-Fuck are you doing? Have you lost your mind…."

"Spare me Zaraki. This is a tried method for soothing children." Byakuya said, extending his hands to Zaraki, so as to give him the baby.

"The hell do you…"

"Children need contact with human skin, its warmth soothes them." Byakuya rationed. Byakuya then pushed forwards knowing full well that Zaraki was about to make a joke about how in touch Byakuya was with his feminine side, "I know this because; I once heard Unohana Taicho say it to a woman in her clinic. And unlike you, some people manage to pay attention to what happens around them." Byakuya shot, "Now hand me over the infant."

"No" Zaraki said childishly.

"I'm not about to let you win this." He explained as he held the child up above his head.

Byakuya's eyes narrowed as he watched Zaraki rip his shirt using only one hand (quite an impressive skill if we were to be honest). "I'll do it." He declared.

But before he knew it Byakuya flashed over to him and grabbed the child. Zaraki followed suit, stopping Byakuya just before he attempted to hold the child.

The two sinfully shirtless men then engaged in a less than dignified tug-of –war over the small baby like doll, whose cries were now threatening to deafen everyone within a 100 mile radius.

Flash stepping all over the place and using their ungodly powers to tug at the doll, the two men kept their shirtless squabble up for a while. Both equally stubborn and unrelenting and completely refusing to even consider anything other than their unwillingness to let the other man win.

It wasn't till they heard a loud gasp, that they suddenly stopped their ministrations. Zaraki came to a stop, however, Byakuya who has turned around to look at the source of the noise bumped right into the bigger man. And at the speed at which they were going the two men were sent tumbling down to the floor, in the process knocking down the remaining portion of Byakuya's office.

When Byakuya recovered, he found himself looking up at his lieutenant standing alongside, Zaraki's infuriating fifth seat. The two were unabashedly snickering back at the dignified heir, what was more unsettling was that right behind those two, stood two of the eldest captains of Seireitei, Kyoraku Shunsui and the angelic looking Juushiro Ukitake, who was currently stroking his white locks nervously.

"Ukitake Senpai….." Byakuya started.

"We're here for our meeting Kuchiki Taicho." Kyoraku started.

"We'll come back later Byakuya." Ukitake said nervously and for some reason the other three men smirked in unison.

"Pardon….." Byakuya started, but his attention was drawn to the fact that he was sitting rather comfortably on the floor. He looked down cautiously, only to see his arch nemesis sprawled on the floor beneath him.

"We didn't mean to interrupt….ummm." Renji started but faltered at the end.

"I came to check on my Taicho, and when we heard noises we thought you two were fighting. We really didn't think that you would be….. ummm… never mind, that's just too beautiful." Yumichika chimed in, his eyes watering at the sheer beauty of the situation. At his words Renji and Ukitaki actually blushed, while Kyoraku smirked his amusement. For their part, both Byakuya and Zaraki blinked in confusion. Well yes, they were both sprawled on the floor on top of each other and yes they were both shirtless, but for the life of them none of them had a clue as to what the other four men were thinking.

The door clicked as the men retreated, Yumichika physically dragged out by a still flustered Renji. While Ukitake shook his head in disbelief as he stalked out. "Have a good day gentlemen, and try to keep it down." Kyoraku said playfully, as he gave the two men a wink before closing the door.

For a few seconds the two men remained frozen, unable to fathom what just happened.

"Did they just….." Zaraki started.

"Did they assume that….." Byakuya questioned equally confused.

They exchanged a quick mortified look before they both got to their feet as if they were just electrocuted. They stood at opposite ends of the now destroyed room.

"Hell no!" Zaraki growled.

Byakuya actually nodded his approval, for once unable to disagree with the man before him.

However Byakuya soon smirked.

"The hell, are you smiling about?" Zaraki growled.

"I won." Byakuya said simply.

"What…."

Before he could continue Byakuya produced the doll, which he apparently had in his hand all along. The doll was now silent. Byakuya then looked victoriously back at the livid man who was now eyeing him with killer intent.

"You didn't shut it up; it got crushed between us when we fell." He voiced his protest.

"The fact remains that it is silent and I'm holding it."

"Well, you won't be holding it for long." Zaraki declared as he rushed at the Kuchiki heir.

_Deep inside one of the 12__th__ division labs our beloved psychiatrist was frantically scribbling in her notebook. Unable to fathom the extent of those two men's stubbornness, she would occasionally look at the monitors in front of her, and thank God that she could watch the two men from a safe distance this time. *Maybe the doll thing wasn't a good idea afterall.* she pondered, before she winced, *So-Taicho's gonna kill me!* _

So very deep in thought about her impending doom was she: that she missed the fact that for a second the two men actually stopped trying to kill each other and looked rather somber.

"If he was here; things wouldn't have been that way." Zaraki said sounding upset.

"I agree." Byakuya said in an uncharacteristically soft voice. "He always used to drag you away before I attempt to kill you."

"That idiotic fox faced bastard."

**The first time I saw Zaraki was when he was teasing Byakuya about letting Rukia get executed and then before the two could fight; Gin dragged Zaraki away. He literally trapped him in a net and dragged him away. Yes, Gin is that cool ;) **

**Let me know what you think. **


	5. Chapter 5

**I know I never update this story. And I'm really sorry about that. I had exams and other stupid stuff, but now I'm back and I'll try to update more often. I'm really grateful to all those who have reviewed and faved this story. This really made me so happy you guys :D Thank you so much, and I hope you like this new chapter.**

An innocent psychiatrist sat in her office behind her desk. The woman sat back in desperate contemplation as she observed the snow storm raging outside. Silently hoping that the little captain messing with the climate doesn't end up turning her into a Popsicle, especially after finding out what she has in store for him.

The woman sighed desperately as she pondered just how far the little taicho went, after receiving her invitation to come see her alongside his lieutenant. *If that's what he does for a mere invitation, then what will he do after the session.* She thought emitting yet another tortured sigh.

Things haven't been working out well for our beloved therapist. The woman, who was one of the best mental health professionals around, was currently stumped and that was just after seeing her first case. *I completely messed up on that one, didn't I?* She reflected as her mind quickly flashed back to her encounter with Zaraki and his stoic highness Kuchiki Byakuya.

The woman cringed at the thought. But to her defense those two were just hopeless. *Oh God*

And now she really had to step it up, since she knew for a fact that the only thing hotter than So-Taicho's fiery Shikai was his temper. And she was very, very and I mean very close to meriting his unbridled fury. That's why she opted to take on the little captain who was driving the old man crazy with his feud with his busty lieutenant.

She figured that if she could resolve said feud, she might actually manage to get on the old man's good side.

But, if she fails….

Oh God,

If she fails, well then at least she won't have to worry about being barbecued by So-Taicho since the little captain will probably freeze her dry first.

*Yup, I'm screwed.* was the inevitable conclusion.

**Clinic's log: **

**Second Case: **

Acting on the request of the Commander General of the Gotei thirteenth, we move to address the case of the maladaptive relationship and interpersonal difficulties between the tenth division's two commanding officers. Witnesses' statements about the relationship between the two have been gathered to further shed the light on the situation at hand. The following are excerpts from the gathered statements.

"Well, the two are a match made in hell aren't they?" was the statement made by the squad 8 captain Kyouraku Shunsui. He kept on laughing as he stated; "But she's just too much fun as a drinking buddy and he's a good captain."

"They're both beautiful, what else is there to say?" Declared the 11th division's 5th seat Ayasegawa Yumichika.

"Well he's a twerp with a stick up his butt. Walking around all high and mighty; that shrimp's like shorter version of that prick Kuchiki. God he pisses me off." Commented the 11th squad captain, Kenpachi Zaraki, on being asked for his assessment of the situation.

"I do not have the time to engage in frivolous babble about the internal operations of other squads." Was the less than friendly comment, rendered by the 6th division captain.

From the aforementioned interviews captain Toshiro Hitsugaya appears to exhibit classic signs of anger management issues. On the other hand, lieutenant Matsumoto Rangiku appears to suffer from substance abuse (in the form of alcoholic drinks) and what has been described by some as; "a chronic inability to do anything productive".

These hypothesizes will be further explored through the session.

The clinic's leading psychiatrist doctor Rose has been tasked with investigating the case.

The following are the actual session notes:

"Welcome Hitsugaya Taicho, Matsumoto Fukutaicho." The psychiatrist greeted formally. "Thank you for coming in on such a short notice."

This was met by a low growling noise emitted on the part of the young captain and a bright smile on the part of the chipper lieutenant.

"You can call me Rangiku." The strawberry blonde chirped, much to her captain's dismay, "and we're happy to be here."

"Speak for yourself." Was her captain's grumpy comment. "I don't understand why I need to e here."

"Well, Hitsugaya Taicho from what I have learned; the two of you have been having communication problems, not to mention that some people claim that you might suffer from some….." The woman trailed off as the little captain froze her with an icy glare.

"Suffering from what?" he questioned darkly.

"Ahem," she cleared her throat, putting on a professional façade, "some people believe that you suffer from some anger management issues." She finally finished and a chill literally ran down her spine as the temperature in the room dropped by a few degrees.

"Anger management issues." He parroted, his eyebrow twitching in a manner that could only be described as deceitfully adorable.

"Awww, Taicho don't worry, I hear there are some amazing anger management classes out there. I know a lot of people who…"

"I do not have anger management issues." He said irritably.

"Hitsugaya Taicho, I believe you were the one who said and I quote; 'You are a menace and an eyesore, don't bother me, die'." The therapist read of a piece of paper that she has formally prepared.

"This doesn't mean that I have anger management issues." The white haired boy insisted.

"You were talking to a door."

"It was no mere door." Hitsugaya shot back grumpily, causing his lieutenant to snicker.

"It was a motion activated door in the human world." Matsumoto explained to the therapist. "He always has problems with those."

"Poorly designed contraptions."Hitsugaya muttered grumpily.

"Well, maybe we should really discuss your anger management options." The psychiatrist suggested. "I mean…"

"I don't need anger management." The little captain said with finality and started getting to his feet.

"Anger management will just piss him off Rose-San." Matsumoto said rather insightfully. "How ironic is that." She added as an afterthought before she started laughing.

"Shut up Matsumoto." He said in his trademark icy tone. "This is no joke." He added getting to his feet.

"I'm leaving."

"Hitsugaya Taicho please wait…." Rose started.

"Oh, don't worry Rose-San. I'll get him over it, Taicho's not one to talk anyways. I'll just fill the whole place with beautiful flowers, we'll go for long walks together and I'll even buy him lots of candy."Matsumoto said happily, getting to her feet as well.

For his part, her poor captain who was by now in the doorway froze in his place. Maybe talking to the psychiatrist isn't so bad after all. I mean, according to Hitsugaya Taicho anything beats having to endure what Matsumoto just described.

"Sit down Matsumoto." He said coldly.

"But, Taicho…."

"We're staying." He said, returning to his seat.

For her part the therapist beamed, unsure what just happened but thrilled nonetheless.

I'm glad you decided to stay Hitsugaya Taicho, now let's talk about….."

"Before we talk about anything, I would like to say that it is all her fault." Hitsugaya said grumpily, as he pointed an accusing finger towards his feisty lieutenant.

"Whaaaa, Taichooo…" She whined.

"It's all her fault. It is always her fault."

"How so?" Rose questioned. "Are you saying she is the reason for your anger?"

As an answer Hitsugaya gave her a look that roughly translated means; Dah-you-idiot-of-course-she-is.

"Wait…. Taicho…." Matsumoto growled, "That's not fair, I never…"

"Just 2 days ago, you caused a situation between our squad and the 12th." He accused, having decided to take no prisoners, if he's going down then by God he's gonna take her with him.

"She did?" Rose interjected curiously.

Matsumoto laughed nervously, "waaait, just wait, it wasn't so much of a situation it was…"

"She snuck into their main lab and attempted to snap a picture of that freak show Mayuri while he was taking a shower." Hitsugaya accused. Yup, he has now decided to dedicate himself to proving that someone needs therapy alright, but it ain't him.

"Wh-Why would she do that?" Rose questioned confusedly.

"How would I know?" Hitsugaya replied crossly. "She was probably drunk or something." He suggested.

"That's not true." Matsumoto said in an offended voice. "I wasn't drunk, and I had a very good reason to go there." She said defensively.

"And that would be…." Her captain challenged.

"Umm…. Ano…."Matsumoto struggled, and Hitsugaya sat back in his chair ready to rest his case.

"No, I have a reason. You see, a few days ago in an SWA meeting we were discussing Kurotsuchi Taicho."She said honestly. "And we came up with this theory….." She added with a sneaky smile. Had he been a lesser man Hitsugaya would have rolled his eyes knowing full well just how stupid this is gonna be.

"And what would your brilliant plan be?" He asked sarcastically.

Matsumoto brushed off his sarcasm, too engrossed in her excitement about that plan to even care, she then lowered her voice as if confiding a secret in her captain and Rose, "we theorize that the only reason Kurotsuchi Taicho wears that mask is because he is really really handsome and he's just too afraid that women will swarm him if he took it off." She finished victoriously and then paused as if waiting for applause.

In unison, Hitsugaya Taicho and the therapist gawked at the busty lieutenant.

"No, I'm being serious, that's the only explanation." She said quickly.

"Are you sure, that's the only explanation?" Hitsugaya questioned in a voice laced with sarcasm.

"Well, you might think that he would hide his face because he's ugly. But we really don't think so." Rangiku reflected.

"And why is that?" Her captain questioned, more than ready to face palm.

Happy to finally get his attention and have him curious about one of her plans she elaborated, "That's because, he's a scientist and he has already enhanced every part of his body. That's why we're sure that he has also enhanced his face and then he made it too beautiful that women just couldn't resist it." She finished excitedly.

Hitsugaya just raised an eyebrow, and called upon every ounce of self control he had in order not to start smacking his head against a wall.

Taking this as a sign of admiration for her deductive capabilities, Matsumoto pushed on, "That's why I broke in, Taicho. I just wanted to see how he really looked like. Nemu San told me that her father takes a shower everyday at 7 so I just went in to check. How could I have known that he has Nemu-San watch him when he showers, and that she'll discover me and he'd end up having her pin me to the ground." She said in an innocent tone. "I mean how freaky should a man be to have his daughter watch him shower. Now that's who you should be treating Rose-San."

Hitsugaya just kept silent, reminding himself that losing his temper would just end up proving that he has issues, so breathing deeply, he maintained his empty expression.

Accepting this as a sign of approval, she once again pushed on, "See, Taicho, if you just gave me a chance to explain I would have told you all this and we won't have a problem." She finished with a smile, completely unaware that her captain was barely restricting himself from turning her into an ice sculpture, for being what he viewed as; 'the epitome of stupidity'.

He might have been silent, but the temperature in the room suddenly took a dive into subzero figures, and before he could say a thing, the therapist who was watching the whole seen with a mixture of trepidation and fascination decided to step in.

She started with a nervous laugh and then she proceeded, "Hehehe, ma-Maybe we should change the subject." She said quickly. "A-Ah, the two of you have always had some issues, but I have noticed that lately those issues have increased, what is the reason behind that?" She questioned, hoping for a distraction.

At that, the two exchanged a long meaningful look. Hitsugaya looked like he was about to kill Matsumoto if she dares to answer this question, while Matsumoto looked as if this was the chance she has been waiting for her entire life.

Without any regard for her captain's threatening glare, or the hand that went unconsciously to the hilt of his sword; Matsumoto turned and beamed at the therapist.

"You see Rose-San, I have been trying to fix Taicho up." She said, ignoring the fact that her captain was staring daggers at her at the moment.

"Fix him up?" Rose questioned excitedly. As a matter of fact, the young captain was quite the looker. Even the much older therapist found it very hard to keep her mind off of that. So, the topic of him having a girlfriend was incredibly exciting.

"Hai, Hai….." Matsumoto said, nodding happily.

"Matsumoto." He warned.

"You see, there's this girl that he really likes and I've decided to help him talk to her….."

"Matsumoto….."

"But the problem is that; he has absolutely no experience with women, so I kinda need to start from scratch you see I ….."

"Reign over the frosted heavens…Hyourinmaru….."

And just like that everything went white. But before she passed out, our beloved therapist who by now was starting to get used to her sessions ending that way managed to declare; "when I regain consciousness, let's take Hitsugaya Taicho to a speed dating place for practice and we could also get him instructors to help him talk to women and…" And at that the woman was enveloped in snow, deceitfully beautiful snow.

**Alright, so next chapter, Hitsugaya Toshiro goes speed dating, before getting to sit down for an actual date with the one he likes (Guess who?), he gets a few pointers from some of the playboys and for her part his lieutenant has more fun with her captain than she ever thought possible. **

**If you're excited for the next chapter, please review :D You get a cookie if you guess his crush :D **

**Until next time ;) **


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey Baby."

"No."

"Say it."

"No."

"Come on….." the elder man whined, "Say itttt." He said stretching out the word and pouting when he was done.

"Never." The white haired Taicho said coldly.

"Maybe we should hear what captain Hitsugaya has to say about this first, shun." The other white haired man said, shooting his best friend a polite reprimanding glance.

"But, why can't he just say 'hey baby', it works like a charm on the ladies, especially if you whisper it in their ears." The dignified eighth squad captain pitched, with a lecherous wink at the youngest captain.

For his part, Kuchiki Taicho scowled at the elder captain, "This is a waste of time." He said crossly.

"Is Kuchiki-hime late for a hair appointment?" came the raspy comment of the eleventh squad captain. Said man, promptly gave a raucous cry of laughter, amused by his own witty humor.

Needless to say, the Kuchiki prince wasn't nearly as amused. "Kenpachi….." He started in a murderous tenor, but was quickly interrupted by a gentle tone.

"Please, let us not forget why we're all here." Was the pensive remark, by the angelic captain of the thirteenth division.

"Yes, let's focus." The lieutenant of the ninth division beamed. After all, Hisagi did view himself as a bona-fide lady killer, with a lot to offer in this department.

"I do not require your assistance." Hitsugaya said coldly sweeping his eyes across the room, making sure that each of the men know full well that he is talking to them.

"But, Hitsugaya Taicho, this meeting came as an order form So-Taicho." The 6th squad lieutenant argued.

Hitsugaya just glared at him, and the temperature in the room dropped incrementally.

A meeting where, some of the higher ranked Shinigami share their expertise in the matters of the heart with him. Can his life get any more ridiculous?

"Come on," Kyoraku said encouragingly. "There are a lot of things that you can benefit from the six of us." He said proudly. "Especially me." He added matter of factly. "Now, if you want to get a lady to like you, you must remember a few things….." He announced and a Zaraki rolled his eyes, while Renji mouthed 'here we go' to Hisagi, who chuckled softly.

"Women, are like flowers, they are delicate and soft, their beauty is unmatched. But for you to get to that beauty, you need to be smooth. You need to woe them with your charms and make sure they are awed by your ….."

"Oh come on!" Zaraki interrupted his rugged voice a stark contrast to the smooth tenor of the soft spoken eighth division captain. "Women, are not soft they just pretend to be soft." He declared. "You don't need to be smooth… Hell no!" He continued, focusing his eyes on the thoroughly uninterested tenth squad captain, "You need to be rough. You have to fight."

"Fight with whom exactly?" Byakuya questioned, barely able to restrain himself from rolling his eyes at the other man's words.

"Fight the women of course. If you really want to make a woman like you, you need to see through that charade she puts on. She wants you to believe that she's soft, but she's not. Those sneaky little things need to be treated roughly, just like any fight you've been in. You need to be in it to win." Zaraki said insightfully.

"So you are suggesting that I attempt to freeze her to death?" Hitsugaya questioned.

"If it comes down to it." Zaraki declared, causing Kyoraku to scowl. "You just need to go up to her and say; 'hey woman, you're mine' end of story." Zaraki finished victoriously.

Kyoraku opened his mouth to counter but was interrupted by a thoroughly enthused Renji.

"I agree with Zaraki-Taicho, the best approach is to be direct. Just grab her by the shoulders and kiss her senseless." He said rubbing his hands together in pure malice.

"And then you can stand sexual harassment trials in front of central 46." Byakuya said mockingly. "You are as subtle as the man sitting next to you." Byakuya told his lieutenant who happened to be sitting next to the 11th division captain. At that Zaraki smirked and threw a companionable arm over Renji's shoulder.

Byakuya scoffed.

"Then how do you get women, Kuchiki-Taicho?" Hitsugaya questioned. Out of all the men around, he felt closest to Byakuya. This could be mostly attributed to the fact that; like him, the raven viewed everyone in Seireitei as pesky annoyances who existed for the mere purpose of occupying space which would otherwise be left pleasantly vacant.

"I do nothing." Byakuya said in pure simplicity.

All around the room the men gave a united, "Hah?"

"You heard me." Byakuya elaborated in an impassive tone. "The best strategy is to ignore them. And they will come running after you."

"Ignore them." Hitsugaya repeated. That's definitely something he could do. He ignores people all the time. Hell, ignoring was his favorite pastime.

"Well, it seems to work for him." Kyoraku surmised. "He's got like half the women in Seireitei dying for him to glance their way." *Lucky bastard only had to glare at a woman for her to instantaneously lose her panties.*

"However," Ukitaki stepped in. "This is not the correct way to form a bond with someone." He said wisely. "If you truly like this woman, Hitsugaya Taicho, then you must not ignore her."

"I agree with Ukitake Taicho." Hisagi concurred. "For me, what works is SWAGG." He declared haughtily.

"What?" Renji, Kyoraku and Zaraki questioned, while Ukitake Taicho narrowed his eyes slightly, and Byakuya and Hitsugaya merely looked impassively back at the man.

"Swagg, you know." He said popping the collar of his shirt up. "Swagg."

"R-Ri-gh-t."

"Oh come on, Swagg is like the perfect mix of being smooth and mysterious. I give'em a sense of danger, like they can't predict what'll happen when they're with me. Women love that." He said with a sly smile.

A few scoffing noises followed that.

And just like that the entire room was buzzing with chatter. Even Kuchiki Taicho busied himself with arguing with Zaraki about just how stupid he found his strategy.

For his part Hitsugaya just sat back and mentally cursed the shrink that got him into all of this. He then proceeded to curse his lieutenant to high heavens, for opening her big mouth and getting him into this.

The young captain was suddenly snapped out of his mental reverie when the door was slammed open revealing the slightly unsettling form of the twelfth division captain.

"Why was I not invited to this?" He hissed scanning the room.

"We just didn't think a discussion like this would be your cup of tea, Kurotsuchi Taicho." Kyoraku said sliding his straw hat down to cover his face. The man was asexual for cryin out loud, why would they invite him to a conversation about women.

Mayuri eyed them all venomously, before his eyes focused on the young captain, seemingly bored senseless amidst all this.

"I find that conducting constant experiments on them for a few months makes them more willing to do whatever I say." He said helpfully. "You should torture that woman of yours into submission. You should pull out her nails." He said calmly before turning on his heal and walking away.

For a second the entire room was silent, as everyone blinked confusedly at the place where the mad scientist just stood.

But much to Hitsugaya's grief another wave of chatter soon took the room by storm.

"Just say, 'Hey Baby'." Kyoraku chanted.

"Grab her and kiss her." Renji pitched.

"Ignore her." Byakuya commented.

"Smack her on the head with a brick." Zaraki said. "Establish your dominance."

"Swagg, Hitsugaya Taicho…. You should wear lots of black." Hisagi said helpfully.

"Hey, Baby… Say it…. Say 'hey baby'….. 'hey baby'."

While Ukitake was merely busing himself with trying to get everyone to settle down and talk calmly, his task was cut out for him, given that Byakuya and Zaraki appeared to be seconds away from tearing each other into smithereens.

And just like that, the young captain stood up and walked away, completely unnoticed by the arguing men.

Deep inside the 12th division, sitting behind a few monitors, Rose sighed.

"Well, that wasn't helpful." She said darkly.

"Oh, come on, they gave him some precious advice." Matsumoto cooed. "And look at that, here's his lady-love coming his way."

"W-WHAT!" The psychiatrist roared, she's the one he loves, she asked eyes going as wide as saucers. "Noooo!" She screamed, at Hitsugaya in the monitor, mentally begging him to walk away.

However, poor little Taicho was so taken aback at seeing her, that his mind literally drew a blank and promptly defaulted to the last thing he heard.

"Good morning, Hitsugaya Taicho." She said in a formal tone.

"H-H…." He stumbled for words. "Hey baby." He said and even he was shocked at his own words.

Brown eyes narrowed, and deceptively small hands found their way to the hilt of a murderous Zanpakuto.

"What did you just say to me?" She growled, her infamous temper faring.

"I- I….."

"**Sting Suzumebachi**." Was the battle cry.

What followed was one of the most bizarre fights to ever take place in Seireitei.

"I'm screwed." Rose concluded.

**Let me know what you think ;) and whose life you'd like to mess with next. **

**Please Review. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Many thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter. This chapter was inspired by your amazing reviews.**

**However, I must apologize beforehand for any mistakes within it since I'm yet to sleep…. **

"Fifth seat Ayasegawa, thank you for coming; I want to talk to you about….."

"Normal?" The pretty fifth seat interrupted.

"Excuse me?" The psychiatrist questioned confusedly.

"Bland?" he pushed on as if she didn't ask a question. The self proclaimed most beautiful man alive, appeared to be deep in thought, completely unaware of the confusion he was causing for the woman in front of him.

"Ayasegawa-San…." She started.

"Mundane?" He questioned, scowling, as if to force his mind to concentrate, his eyes were firmly fixed on the woman in front of him.

Rose twitched.

"What…."

"Ordinary?" Yumi once again ignored her, lightly tapping a finger against his bottom lip.

"AYASEGAWA-SAN…" The therapist finally snapped. "What are you talking about?" She questioned crossly.

"Hm." Yumichika said absently, his eyes finally focusing on the woman. A second of confusion passed, before a slow smile spread across his lips. "My apologies Dr. Rose." He said earnestly, his hand quickly finding its way to his dark locks, as he tossed his hair backwards, causing the woman to realize that this was the first time she felt conscious about her own looks in comparison to those of a man.

"So, what were you talking about?" She questioned, forcing herself to focus on the topic at hand.

"Oh," He said leaning back in his chair, "I was merely attempting to arrive at a proper term to describe your looks." He stated simply.

"M-My looks?"

"Yah, I was torn between 'mundane, normal, bland and ordinary'." He said, once again looking both serious and very deep in thought.

Rose didn't have time to even register her own shock, when the feathered man's eyes lit up as if he just solved a particularly tricky math problem. "Boring!" He screamed, a finger shooting up to point her way.

"I…."

"That's it." He surmised in pure ecstasy, appearing every bit as relieved as he felt. "You look extremely boring." He pushed on, completely ignoring the dumbstruck look on the woman's face.

"Me?" She almost whispered, shock evident on her every feature.

"Of course." Zaraki's fifth seat said companionably. "Your eyes have a very dull brown color. Well, brown's normally a very warm color but this seems to be completely lost on your eyes." He pointed out.

"Your face is neither round nor oval, it's…." He paused examining the disbelieving woman. "Well, it's nothing special. It's like it couldn't decide on which way to be, so it just took an odd shape."

"Odd?" The woman parroted, eyes going wide.

"You have to admit…." The fifth seat said in an easy tone "Your head has a very odd shape." He said in a friendly manner. "And that noooseeee." He added stretching out the word for extra emphasis. "I'm sure you've noticed it, so I don't really need to point it out." He finished earnestly.

"N—Noticed what?" She questioned, her hand unconsciously going to her nose, as if to examine it.

"You mean, you haven't noticed?" Yumichika almost screamed, in sheer incredulity.

"Wa-What?" She questioned, the look of a woman being led to the electric chair firmly etched on her face.

"It's slanted." Yumichika said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He then decided to stop assuming that the woman was wise enough to locate her own flaws, accordingly, being the good Samaritan he was, he felt obliged to just go on and list them for her.

"Your ears are disproportionate." He started.

"Your upper lip is almost nonexistent."

"And have you ever heard about facial scrubs?" He said disbelievingly.

"And those eyebrows…. Who on earth did that to you?" He paused eyeing her, while being thoroughly unable to stop himself from frowning in a slight show of disgust.

When the woman didn't seem to clue in to what he was talking about. He resigned himself to his fate and pushed on.

"They make you look perpetually stunned."

"And for God's sake tweezers aren't your enemy."

"I…. I…." The woman started in sheer desperation. Poor psychiatrist was valiantly attempting to salvage the last remaining slivers of her quickly dissipating self esteem.

"Your hair makes you look like a lion."

And there goes the last slivers….. Sooo long.

"M- My….."

"And I'm sure you already know that your boobs lack personality."

Oh that was it, "WHAT!" She screamed. "I don't even understand what that means." She said turning bright red in both; anger and embarrassment.

At that he just flashed a knowing smile. "O-Of course you don't." He said in what can only be described as the mother of all condescending tones. "For a man to be interested in looking at them, breasts need to speak up and say something." He said in a manner akin to that of a scientist pandering to the general public.

"Your breasts however," He said pointing at them, making her blush even more. "Are pointless." He said with finality. "They're mute."

He sighed, pondering the fact that people with that level of obliviousness really did exist.

"Also, your knees are too fat, your ankles are too slim, and your ass….." He paused rubbing his temples tiredly, "…..is nothing but a disgrace to womankind."

"A-A….. I…"

"And that outfit of yours…." He started making her wince in anticipation of his next insult. "Well, it's fine." He said with a sigh.

She eyed him cautiously.

"It- It is?" She questioned, her eyes watering at the thought of finally receiving a compliment from the man.

"Sure." He said, tilting his head slightly and giving her an honest smile. "I'm sure all psychiatrists dress in a manner that enables them to blend in easily when they're amongst the patients in the loony-bin." He finished, honestly believing that he just gave her a compliment.

The woman was just dumbstruck. In the one minute it took him to say those things to her, she seemed to have lost all capacity for rational thought. Her eyes were wide, her face flushed, her breathing erratic, as she gawked at the man, unable to believe the things he was saying to her. She was even more incapable of believing that she couldn't for the life of her say one word to counter this barrage of insults. This might be attributed to the fact that; the man didn't even look like he was trying to insult her. He looked rather sincere and he spoke matter of factly, as if everything he said was the most obvious thing in the world. This confidence with which he spoke made his words very hard to oppose.

The room fell silent for a while, as Rose just blinked at Yumi, who was too busy scanning her from head to toe.

"Are …..you …..done?" She questioned, her voice breaking at the end of every word.

"Not quite." He said bringing his eyes up to meet hers. "I would just like to point out that your bone structure is just wrong." He said casually, his eyes holding a look that Rose could swear was that of utter pity.

"Oh." Was all she managed.

"Life must be very hard for you." He surmised, fixing her with a look of absolute empathy. "Normally, I don't like to associate with ugly people; however, I figured that you just couldn't take anymore letdowns in life. Of course I can never understand or even begin to imagine how life could be like for a hideous person. But the truth remains that I am beautiful both inside and out and this is why I agreed to come see you today."

At that, Rose's mouth fell open, as she gawked at the man.

"Is that why you went into psychology?" He questioned in a heartfelt tone, "It is? Isn't it? You just went into this field to learn how to make yourself feel better. Oh, bless your soul." He cooed. "You are such a trooper, you might even get me to reconsider my view that ugly people should just be stoned to death, so that they don't mar the beauty of this universe for the perfect looking beings like myself." He finished fluttering his eyelashes.

He paused once again scanning the woman who appeared to be in an almost comical state of suspended animation.

"Poor thing…. Men must just run away from you every time they see you." He concluded.

"N-No." She said valiantly.

"Oh… Right…." He said slapping a perfectly manicured hand against his forehead as if he just realized something. "You don't even like men do you?" He said; face lighting up with the new finding.

"No…. I like them."The girl said shakily.

Yumi paused for a second as he registered what she just said. "But… They really don't like you, do they?" He said, but it wasn't really a question, more like a statement of a universally agreed upon fact.

"What?"The poor psychiatrist questioned in an almost hysterical tone. "Yes…. Yes…they do."

Yumi just flashed her yet another all knowing smile, alongside a look laced with pity. "Are you married?"

"No."

"Engaged?"

"Not really." She said, feeling all the more like a cornered rat.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"N-Not at the moment." She said erratically. She then paused for a second, registering his rather victorious grin. "THEY LIKE ME!" She said despite herself.

"**Of** **course they do."**

Pause.

"Poor you, you must just wanna kill yourself don't you?" He said sounding like he truly felt sorry for her. "Don't do it." He added in big brother sorta tone. "You can solve your problem by just covering your face when you go in public." He said helpfully.

He then paused for a second looking apprehensive.

"Your body though, might be a problem." He reflected, not really talking to her.

Another pause.

"Just stay home." He concluded happily. "That will save us all the trouble." He finished in a kind tone.

"It must be so sad to know that you will spend the rest of your life locked up alone. But don't worry; you could just buy a cat….."

Pause.

"Or 12…."

Pause.

"Just get twelve. And you could find solace in knowing that beautiful people like me walk the earth on daily basis… isn't that great?" He finished and once again it wasn't a question.

"**Go!**" Rose said in a weak tone.

"What?" He questioned, snapping out of the trance he just caused himself to drift into when he started pondering his own beauty.

"Leave." She said again, appearing as if she was struggling to even speak.

"But, the session…." He started, fluttering his feathered lashes.

"Over…" She said seemingly about ready to faint.

"But don't you have any advice for me? I thought this was what you did."

Rose froze. And realizing that the man wasn't leaving unless she says something, she physically forced her lips to formulate words, "Help someone else." She mumbled.

"Ah… I will….definitely ." He declared happily. "I will help people from now on; after all, I now realize that ugly people like yourself truly need my help."

Yumi then gracefully flew to his feet, and started skipping towards the door; twitting happily and completely unaware that the woman who he just left literally passed out. This time it wasn't because of someone's obtrusive reiatsu or flowery Zanpakuto; this time she was simply frustrated into unconsciousness.

"Thank you, Dr. Rose."

**I hope you guys liked it.**

**Please Review :D**


	8. Chapter 8

**I really liked the mixed reviews for the last chapter :D It's a like it or hate it kind of thing and I guess some people really did hate how mean Yumi was … Which Kinda made me wanna give Yumi yet another shot at being mean (Please don't hate me, if you must then be mad at Yumi)**

**So here goes….**

One more time, two perfect lines of Shingami aligned, and in the middle the psychiatrist stood facing the old man.

However, much to everyone's surprise, the woman looked all the more different. Hell, if those people didn't recognize her spiritual pressure, they would've locked her up assuming that she was a random idiot who snuck into Seireitei.

Rose was clad in a little pink dress, her glasses and almost omnipresent doctor's coat all gone. Her hair once brown and short, somehow, transformed into a bunch of long, flowing blonde locks. Her eyes were now blue; and a myriad of vibrant colors covered her face. She wore incredibly high heels, making her look as if she was standing on a platform. Her breasts were pushed way up in a way that would've made even Tousen take notice.

The only thing that was kept the same was the little journal she always had in her hand, now held via a row of pink painted digits.

When she walked in, a couple of heads turned, even Kuchiki Taicho seemed to notice the transformation. However, he hid his amusement with a cough and turned to look at So-taicho.

Rose inhaled a greedy gulp of air, and flipped her hair to the side as she felt the weights of the stares directed her way.

By her side, the dignified eighth division captain, was practically drooling, held back from putting the moves on the woman, only by the weight of the reprimanding glare Soifon was shooting his way.

"Rose-San." The captain commander spoke, his deep voice easily echoing throughout the silent hall. "You…." He paused. "Appear different."He commented. Old man or not, he was still a man and he has long since learned (from years and years of experience) that not noticing a woman's new look, regardless of who that woman was; would yield nothing but a heap of trouble.

Rose blinked, feeling a bit self conscious.

"Oh," Rose started.

"So that is what that idiot Yumichika was working on." Zaraki concluded, scanning her from head to toe. "Not bad." He said approvingly.

Well, she knew for a fact that it was bad that she let the pretty man mess with her appearance like that. But, by God, after the blows he dealt to her self esteem, she just needed his approval so badly, that she actually opted to seek him our and ask for his advice. Needless to say, the man turned into a cheerful mass of feathers at the thought of administering a makeover; before he went crazy, transforming her into a Barbie look alike. And finally, after hours and hours of beauty work, the dazzling beauty gave her his stamp of approval and sent her on her way, telling her that she now finally looks very similar to a woman.

"Zaraki-Taicho your manners are inexcusable." Byakuya reprimanded.

"Well, good," Zaraki started, "Cuz I ain't looking for an excuse." He ground.

The Kuchiki heir stiffened but before he could say a word the commander cleared his throat.

"Rose-san," The old man started, "this session is held to review your progress with the members of the Gotei 13." He announced, before pointing at a large screen that stood to his side. "The twelfth division has supplied us with this screen as means to view your old sessions." He finished impassively.

Rose gulped.

That'll never end well.

30 minutes later, the normally calm meeting hall was alight with chatter. Some people (Kyoraku Shunsui and Zaraki for the most part) were laughing hysterically, while others (Byakuya, Toshiro and Soifon) were livid. The rest were amusedly analyzing the situation.

After all, watching Zaraki and Byakuya fight over a baby and then proceeding to watch the dignified captains and lieutenants of the gotei 13th discuss matters of the heart, before fast forwarding to Soifon lividly attempting to kill a dumbstruck Toshiro, came as a complete surprise to most people.

For her part, Rose was desperately attempting to sink lower towards the floor in a desperate attempt to make herself look invisible.

A second later, the feared So-taicho tapped his cane on the floor, causing silence to descend on the room.

He fixed the woman with a terrifying glance.

"None of your sessions so far has yielded any fruitful results." He surmised. "I understand that your task is hard, however, it is unacceptable for your sessions to yield but more disturbances." He reprimanded in a strong tone.

The psychiatrist blanched.

"Well, her session with Ayasegawa yielded some results." Ukitake's best friend pointed out, referring to her stunning new appearance.

For her part, Rose desperately clung to this sliver of hope. At least her last session, while completely obliterating her self esteem did not end in a fight.

"You see, my last session actually did yield amazing results." She lied through her teeth. "As a matter of fact, fifth seat Ayasegawa was in to be treated for a severe case of narcissistic personality disorder. However, after our long session together I could safely conclude that he has managed to take some proper steps in the right direction." She pushed on in fake confidence. "He has actually decided to start helping people."

Well that part was true. He did agree to help people. In his own words 'help ugly people so that they can no longer mar the beauty of this world by their eyesore of an existence', but no one really needed to know the details.

"As you can see," She continued, commending herself for her Oscar worthy performance. "He started by helping me better my looks. You see, this was an experiment and he managed to put in time and effort into changing my appearance." She paused, raising her head in fake victory. "Getting a narcissist to devote time and effort to helping others is quite an achievement if I do say so myself." She declared.

Well, it really was an achievement, one that she accomplished through losing every last shred of her self-esteem and desperately groveling for his assistance.

The room fell silent for a second, as everyone pondered what she has just said. Yumi, helping others was something that ranked up there on the list of things that had less chances of happening than Zaraki putting on a wig and a dress and singing 'I feel pretty'.

Zaraki looked pensive (rare occurrence by the way), "He did offer to take the little brat off my hands for a while." He pondered. "I didn't even have to break any of his bones to get him to take her; he just offered and took her to some festival in the human world." He finished shocking the entire room.

Rose actually looked victorious, breathing a sigh of relief. Lying did work after all.

Chatter broke throughout the hall, as everyone started rethinking their view of the world. If Yumi turned into a good Samaritan then something sure was off with their world view. That or the universe is coming to an end.

"I see." So-Taicho mused, causing the chatting captains to shift their attention over to him. He paused for a second, before popping one of his perpetually closed eyes open and turning his head towards the freaky captain of the 12th division. "Kurotsuchi-Taicho." He started in his normal husky voice. "Would it be possible for that screen of yours to show us fifth seat Ayasegawa's current whereabouts?" He questioned, unable to hide the tinge of curiosity that he felt. "It would be constructive for us to view the fruits of Rose-san's work."

Mayuri blinked having managed to tune out the entire meeting, in favor of …. Well just in favor of tuning out the entire meeting.

"So-Taicho," He started in his trademark deranged tone. "This invention of mine could show you anyone, anywhere, just by zeroing in on his spiritual signature." He said haughtily, as he walked over to the screen standing in the middle of the room and started pushing some buttons glued to its side.

A few seconds of intense button pushing and Mayuri mumbling, and the entire room focused their attention on a particularly bizarre scene.

_The eleventh's fifth seat was in an excruciatingly colorfully decorated place. However, what was truly bizarre was that he was surrounded by a mob of women, all of whom having the unmistakable appearance of soccer mums. _

_The women were glaring at the pretty officer with killer intent. _

"_What did you just say?" One of the women roared, taking a threatening step towards the good-looking man._

_For his part, Yumi appeared to be completely unfazed. "You heard me." He twitted happily. "Your baby is ugly." He declared earnestly, causing the woman to twitch in pent up anger. _

"_Actually, all of your babies are ugly."He added scanning the entire room, which was littered with young children and newly born infants. _

"_Why you….." A redheaded mother exclaimed, wrapping an arm around her little girl's shoulder. _

"_Oh come on," Yumi said giving a sincere smile. "I know that as a rule babies are supposed to be adorable. I used to believe in this rule, believe me. I believed it until I saw those infants of yours." He said cringing at the last few words. "Oh, they give children a bad name." He added, causing the eyes of all the women in the vicinity to glint with unmatched wrath. _

_However, before the women could attack, he pushed on._

"_This, however," He started, drawing the attention of everyone to the fact that he had a little munchkin standing by his side. "Is a true beauty." He declared._

_Yachiru was clad in a golden sequin dress, her characteristic pink locks pulled back into a high bun, leaving only a few strands to frame her deceptively innocent face. Her usually pink lips were painted red and a couple of feathers hung from her head, shifting the attention to the fact that her eyelashes were dripping of mascara._

_The lieutenant smiled happily, as she looked up at her fifth seat. _

"_She," Yumi started in a deep voice as if making a declaration. "Will win this pageant. Well, that just goes without saying, right ladies?" He added in a friendly tenor, "I'm sorry for ruining your chances, but did you really think that you could win this thing with such unsightly infants." He twitted companionably. _

_Now, as usual the 11__th__ division's lieutenant knew exactly when to duck out of harm's way. This time was no different. Yachiru parried and quickly disappeared from sight as the women lunged forwards in pure jungle cat fashion. They moved in for the kill._

_For her part, the pink haired troublemaker glanced back impassively at her immobilized underling. She soon brushed off the whole thing opting out of helping the man, as she made her way out of the colorful room and onto a stage._

_The girl walked confidently, completely unperturbed by the many lights and the cheering audience. _

_She promptly took center stage, and gladly accepted the microphone that was offered to her. Granted she opted to lick it, just to make sure it wasn't made out of chocolate, but other than that, the young girl was an utter pro. _

"_What's your name, sweetie." One of the judges currently perched on a podium near the stage questioned in a motherly tone. _

"_Yachiru." The girl said in an adorable manner, causing the entire room to break out in a collective "aweeee"._

"_Yachiru, can you tell me a bit about your hobbies?" The woman questioned. _

_The girl nodded happily. "I like candy, stuffed animals," She started gesturing animatedly, "I also like travelling on kenny's shoulder, beating 'Maki Maki', ' Feathers' and 'Shiny Head' and I take lots of pictures of Byakushi when Byakushi isn't looking." _

"_B-Byakushi?" The woman questioned confusedly. Her confusion mirrored on the faces of all the people in the audience. _

"_Hai, Hai," The girl nodded. "I made a deal with midget-chan and she lets me in at night to take pictures with Byakushi when Byakushi sleeps. Midget-chan is Byakushi's sister." She finished insightfully. _

"_Oh."The judges said, not knowing what else to say._

"_Umm," The lady judge started. "So, what do you want to do when you grow up, Yachiru-chan?" She pushed on. You really can't go wrong with such a question. _

"_I want to be a man." She declared happily, once again stunning everyone. _

"_W-Why?"_

"_Well," She said in all seriousness, her lips coming together in an adorable contemplative pout. "I want to marry Byakushi when I grow up. This way I will be able to braid Byakushi's hair and play with Byakushi all the time and get lots of candy." She then frowned. "But Kenny says that I can't marry Byakushi because Byakushi is a girl and so am I. So I want to be a guy." She finished in utter determination. _

_When the entire room appeared to be frozen and no one appeared to have the presence of mind to further question her, the girl simply produced a lollypop out of nowhere. Plopping the aforementioned item in her mouth, Yachiru exited the stage and made her way over to the room she was originally in. _

_Yumi, who by now was lying face down on the floor, clothes torn and looking like the picture boy for 'desolation weekly', was swiftly dragged across the floor by the nonchalant lieutenant, while the women who were preparing for the second round of 'beat the crap out of that bastard' were stunned speechless by the little girl's inhuman strength. _

**Back in Seireitei, **

All hell broke loose, as Kuchiki Byakuya's reiatsu flared, hand flying to the hilt of his Zanpakuto, eyes fixating on Zaraki.

Instantaneously, Kumamura Taicho and Ukitake Taicho were by his side restraining him.

For their parts, Soifon and the Unohana were busy attempting to restrain Zaraki who vowed to kill both Yumichika and Rose for dressing Yachiru up like that.

While Kyoraku was doubled over on the floor spasming from laughter.

Toshiro just didn't care.

And

The head captain was glaring daggers at the psychiatrist.

Who bowed her head and sighed not even bothering to feel scared having had already given up all hope by this point in time.

**Now I'm really grateful for all you amazing reviewers out there. You give me a lot of inspiration and that's why I'm updating more often now ;) So thank youuu :D**

**I don't really know who to do next. **

**I guess Soifon might be my best option, or even Yoruichi and Soifon together, or I might do something completely different :P **

**Don't really know yet.**

**But as always, I really appreciate your input. So please review and let me know what you think. **


	9. Chapter 9

**I am back. I hope you guys like this chapter. I was gonna go for Soifon, but then I said, Nah… Not now at least. **

The human brain truly is an evil thing. It acts nice and cool, making you feel like you're getting some neutral unrelated thoughts, while in fact it's slowly leading you towards an obsession.

"What obsession?" Rose questioned confusedly.

"I am sorry, did I say obsession?" The soft spoken man said in a smooth tenor, rubbing the back of his head. "I meant a fascination, a rather innocent and platonic fascination." He corrected.

"Platonic." She parroted, the disbelief evident in her voice.

"Hai, Hai." The easy going captain concurred. "A Completely platonic appreciation."

"The description I got was a little different," The woman said pushing her glasses further up her nose as she read off of her notebook, "People call it and I quote: "a severe inhuman capacity for perversion.""

"Nonsense." The squad 8 captain said with a pout. "Just because I appreciate the fine delicacy that is the female population of Seireitei doesn't mean that I am perverted."

"You were caught in women's changing rooms in almost every squad in Seireitei." She accused.

"They were all accidents." He declared pulling his straw hat to cover his face. "It's not my fault that the men and the women's locker rooms look alike." He countered. "You could blame the genius who designed this place for that."

"They found dressing room cams in the SWA's headquarters, and almost everyone agrees that this is your doing." She tried again.

At that he pouted once more.

"Why do you think I put them there? They use Kuchiki's household as headquarters, why doesn't anyone suspect him of being the pervert?"

Now Rose had to shake her head in disbelief.

*Yup, that's plausible.* She mocked mentally.

So she pushed on, "You held fake tryouts for women; claiming that you wanted a roommate."

"So?" He questioned challengingly.

"Your ad stated that only unmarried women, with a tendency to walk around the house naked, need apply." She said once again reading off of her notebook.

"I was being specific." He said simply.

"Your lieutenant informed me that you weren't even trying to get a roommate."

"I was scouring the market in case I need one in the future."

"You were caught staring at lieutenant Matsumoto's chest." She accused.

The man actually looked insulted for a second, "Those things were staring at me, not the other way around." The lecherous captain said in all honestly.

"Fair enough." She said, having felt the same way around the woman's assets before.

"You attempted to untie Unohana Taicho's braids while she slept."

"I was attempting to give her a makeover." He said nonchalantly. "I saw no reason for her to react the way she did. I mean, just because I snuck into her room doesn't give her a right to make such heinous threats." He said whistling inconspicuously, as he reflected on the 'sweet' captain of the 4th division who just refused to hear it, after she woke up to find him in her bed casually unraveling her braids.

He actually thought it distasteful of her to go as far as to threaten to castrate him.

"Geez, what has the world come down to if a man can't sneak into his fellow captain's bed to give her a good intentioned make over."He said tiredly.

The psychiatrist drew in a deep breath, as she pondered the man's unique brand of obliviousness.

She then decided to try again. After all, the man's list of offences could easily rival that of convicted felon.

"One time when you were drunk you offered Soifon Taicho a seat in your lap."

"She looked tired; I was just attempting to help." He said without missing a beat.

Sighing again, the woman looked back at him sternly, "You even asked me if I wanted to go back to your house the other day."She said, offering what she envisioned as her smoking gun.

"Well, in all fairness Rose-chan," He said in a husky tone, "You look absolutely breathtaking after that make over that Ayasegawa-san gave you." He commended with an easy wink.

"So you admit it." She said pointing an accusing finger at him; said finger was promptly swatted off as the man grinned.

"I was merely inviting you over for a drink and a round of soothing therapy, or maybe two rounds if you feel up to it." He said with a lecherous smile and yet another wink.

"You're doing it right now." She said shooting up from her chair.

At that, his face easily went back to an unbelievably innocent pout, "Doing what?" He questioned blankly.

The woman sat down, eyeing him in disbelief. She once again scanned through her list for a proper offence, one that he can never deny that his perverted nature was at the root of.

"AHA!" She said finally, as her finger started tapping the notebook appreciatively. "You stole your lieutenant's underwear from her locker." She said, before smiling in victory.

"I thought she wanted to have them washed."He said as if this was the most natural thing in the world.

"Congratulations I think you managed to find the world's thinnest argument." Came said lieutenant's voice as she stood in the door way, stiff posture, big book and all.

"Nanao-chan." The man greeted happily.

"Please join us." Rose offered.

"I am fine standing here." She declared in a formal tone. "I am just making sure he does not cause you any trouble."

"Oh, Nanao-chan, I'll never cause the lovely Rose-chan any such thing." He declared, causing his lieutenant to give him a cold glare.

"Shall we proceed then?" Rose said, as she rubbed her temples exhaustedly.

"You know, Kyoraku Taicho, the first step on the road to recovery is admitting that you have a problem."The shrink said informatively.

"What problem?" He questioned obliviously. "And please call me Shunsui." He offered with a huge smile.

She paused for a second, "Umm, Shunsui Taicho, and You're a pervert." She said, for once opting to shoot from the hip.

For a second, the laid back captain looked shocked, as if this was a thought that has never ever crossed his mind, and a word that he has never in his lifetime heard or even understood the meaning of. He once again pouted looking thoroughly affronted at the mere thought of being called such a thing. And Rose had to sternly remind herself that she was right, otherwise she would've faltered under the man's childlike gaze.

"Me?" He said in disbelief.

The woman face palmed.

"I think you should put him in a straight jacket."Nanao suggested from her perch by the doorway.

However, the psychiatrist then opted for a change of tactics, having figured out that getting him to admit to being a pervert was a task bordering on the impossible.

"My sources state that you have never been in a committed relationship before." She declared.

Grinning mischievously, the eighth squad captain replied, "my, my, is that what you're looking for Rose-chan." He cooed, before continuing in a smooth tenor, "in that case, I am willing to make an exception for your beautiful self."

Rose gawked, and then shook her head, once again adjusting her glasses.

"That is not what I was suggesting." She said in a professional tone. "I was merely inquiring as to why that is?" She questioned. "Why have you never established a long term relationship with someone?"

"Oh." He said understandingly. "That's merely because I have never found the right woman." He said.

And before the woman could inform him that this is like the oldest line in the book, he flashed her, a 1000 mega watt, earth shattering and completely disarming smile.

She blinked.

"W-why?" She questioned absently, having gotten a brief preview of just why this man is popular with women. In the beginning you'd think he's an annoying slob. But in a while, it becomes clear that he has something completely different about him. Maybe it's that smile of his, or even his complete obliviousness and tendency to fake innocence and maybe it's the fact that even with all of his flaws, he somehow manages to come across as a rather dependable man. And he wasn't bad looking either, tall, nice hair, and rugged features. At that the psychiatrist caught herself in the middle of particularly dangerous train of thought.

"Well, my love, that is because I haven't met you till now." He said, practically glowing with manly charm.

"I, I…." the woman stuttered, completely entranced for a second, before she was snapped out courtesy of the daggers the man's lieutenant was glaring at her at the moment. "That's like the oldest line in the book." She said, regaining her bearings.

"What book?" He questioned confusedly.

"This one." His steely eyed lieutenant growled, as the giant book in her hand made contact with the back of his head.

"Ouch." He said rubbing his head sheepishly. "Nanao-chan, that hurt." He complained, childishly as his lieutenant threatened to smack him again with it just for good measures.

"Why haven't you tried to date any of your fellow captains?" Rose suggested, attempting to avoid carnage. "I mean, how about Soifon Taicho?"

At that he just looked at her as if she just grew another head.

He then leaned forwards as if to confide a secret in her.

"They say," he whispered. "That her last boyfriend died in a tragic pillow fighting accident." He declared.

"Huh?" Was the therapist's eloquent reply. "How can someone die in a pillow fighting accident?"

"Well he was fighting with Soifon Taicho." He said matter of factly. "Poor thing wanted to prove that he was man enough to beat her at sparing, but knew that using swords would be the end of him; so he challenged her to a pillow fight. Little did he know that in those tiny hands of hers even a pillow could give you a deadly concussion." He said wisely.

"Oh." Was all she managed. "H-How about ex-captain Shihouin?" She suggested figuring that the woman was pretty popular with the men.

"Now **her **last boyfriend died in a tragic Soifon induced accident." The laid back captain declared.

"What?"

"Soifon Taicho killed him." Nanao explained. "Or so goes the rumor."

"Ah." Rose said, eyes going wide, as she pondered her upcoming session with said murderous little captain. "Well, Shunsui-taicho, I understand that you can't find a suitable partner, however, you need to find a way to refrain from harassing the female residents of Seireitei." She advised.

"I don't…" He started.

"Yes you do." His lieutenant countered.

He pouted, before his eyes lit up at a new prospect.

He then leaned forwards towards the psychiatrist sitting across from him.

And much to the two women's surprise he took her hand.

"Rose-chan," he said in a smooth and deliberately husky tenor. "I will refrain from harassing everyone if you accept to make an honest man out of me. If the beautiful Rose-chan goes out with me," he started. "I will be the happiest man alive, and I promise to make my beautiful Rose the happiest flower alive." He said in a devastatingly charming manner.

The woman blushed, not knowing what to say.

However, luckily, she didn't have to say anything, as a second later the man fell unconscious to the floor. And standing above him, brandishing her incredibly heavy book, lieutenant Nanao Ise stood, a picture of pure malice.

"When he wakes up, send him back to our offices." Came the lieutenant's no nonsense tone, and Rose couldn't help but recognize the venomous way she was regarding her, before turning around and leaving.

"At least she didn't use her Zanpakuto." Rose declared, trying to look at the bright side.

"My Nanao-chan loves me." The lecherous captain mumbled in his sleep.

**Let me know what you think. Next one will be all action not a session. But still action with Shunsui, for some reason I just love the man!**


	10. Chapter 10

**I know you guys probably hate me for not updating for so long and then sending you an alert to a fake chapter. I am very very sorry about that. I just**

**needed to inform you that this story is officially on hiatus until I find some inspiration to finish it. Many thanks for all your support and to the wonderful**

**people who reviewed. Now let's hope that my muse survives whatever accident she's been in**.


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